:: June 16, 1975 ::

I am born in Niagara Falls, NY. I am a full month late and weigh in at 10 pounds, 14 ounces: consolation cards for my mother arrive in droves. Already apparent is an abnormally large head that will one day distort sunglasses and occasionally appear to block out the sun entirely.

:: 1975-1993 ::

I watch Three’s Company and The Greatest American Hero and listen to Kenny Rogers and Ricky Scaggs. Then I watch Swarzenegger films and listen to Iron Maiden and Megadeth. Then I watch Eraserhead and listen to Skinny Puppy and KMFDM. (Something is going very wrong here.)

:: 1994-1997 ::

I attend The Art Institute of Pittsburgh, where I spend four years in a two-year program. Go me. During this time, I get mugged three times, set myself on fire, live in a house where I occasionally encounter strangers shooting up in my living room, climb up to the top part of a suspension bridge to watch fireworks, dangle helplessly off of my ninth-floor balcony, and just barely avoid being institutionalized. My mother’s prayer life has never been more active.

:: September 1997 ::

I move to Philadelphia and begin working as a multimedia developer. I also embark on a storied career of getting teeth knocked out at concerts: three of them, to date. It takes me years and years to learn to stay out of the mosh pit.

:: September 1, 2002 ::

For reasons too embarrassing to get into here, my car insurance is canceled without my knowledge.

:: September 2, 2002 ::

I am pulled over less than 24 hours later, and my license is suspended. I start spending three to five hours a day commuting to and from work via public transportation. I borrow a laptop from my office and watch a lot of DVDs on the train. The catholic school students who share part of my commute with me watch them over my shoulders. By the end of my suspension, they’re boarding the train lugging boxes of popcorn.

:: October 28, 2002 ::

Determined to do something with all the time I’m spending on public transportation, I join National Novel Writing Month. I choose two words randomly from the dictionary, and somehow come up with “snuff” and “yellow”. Immediately, I engross myself in writing a bad novel in which an unsolicited videotape, lemon-yellow in color and depicting a bizarre murder, arrives in someone’s mail. I also engross myself in chatting/flirting with fellow hopeful novelists on NaNoWriMo’s online forums.

:: November 7, 2002 ::

On a whim I attend a meeting of said novelists. We get together in a bar, where several distractingly bizarre things happen. Amongst all this madness, I meet a young lady named Jessica.

:: March 3, 2005 ::

Jessica and I set out on a twelve-month, round-the-world journey.